Starman
by Concupiscence66
Summary: An absurd story for the prompt of Vince pregnant and alone and Howard admitting his feelings.  No David Bowies were harmed in the writing of this fanfic.  Warning:  Mpreg and suggested interspecies love.


"I feel so tired, Howard, I don't know why," Vince whined as he leaned against the counter. Vince had been a shambles since a whirlwind affair with a Ziggy-era David Bowie impersonator.

"You spend all night watching telly and eating candy, of course, you're tired," Howard snapped as he handed Vince another cup of coffee, "You should try being sensible, like me."

"I shouldn't try being like you! One of you is more than enough, thanks, we don't need another," Vince teased, only a hint of his usual sparkle in his eyes.

Howard wound himself up to give a right good speech on the importance of fiber and low-impact jazz-based aerobics when Vince's eyes rolled back into his head and he collapsed into Howard's arms.

xxx

A trip to the doctor's revealed nothing and a consultation with Naboo was predictably useless. It was Saboo who figured out the cause of Vince's exhaustion.

"You're pregnant with a Martian baby," Saboo said with a sneer before adding, "Pillock."

Howard rolled his eyes and Vince laughed but Naboo's eyes widened.

"You fink Vince got mixed up with an actual spider from Mars?"

"Vince isn't pregnant, he's a man," Howard explained, astonished once again at the bizarre track his life has taken, "He doesn't have a uterus."

Naboo shook his head, "If Saboo is right, he doesn't need one. It's more like an egg sack that feeds off the host body. He leeches the nutrients from Vince's food as well as stealing his looks and charisma."

"Hey," was all the protest the wan Vince could muster.

xxx

Vince was wearing Howard's clothes to accommodate his growing stomach. He hadn't bothered with his hair and there were two inches of dirty blond hair showing at his roots. He sat on chair and watched the store, pale and quiet.

Howard brought Vince a specially made salad. It was full of bright colors and sweet berries. He'd created blueberry caterpillars and a palm tree made of almond slices. The cherry tomatoes were turned into snowmen with snow pea arms.

"All right, Little Man, eat up. You're eating for two, eh?"

Vince forced a smile at the salad, "Thanks, Howard. Them snowmen are genius."

Howard tried not to hover as Vince picked at the food. Vince had never eaten a diet suited for one person much less two. It was an effort everyday to keep Vince well-fed enough just to stay on his feet. He was a pale imitation of Vince Noir, Rock and Roll Star.

xxx

Vince stared at the screen in shock.

"That's my baby?" he asked, quietly.

Howard stared at the tiny ball of limbs and hair. Naboo said the fetus was still small enough to be held in one hand and yet, there it was, waving, pulling shapes and tossing it's hair - clearly aware of its audience.

"It's really taking your energy, your spark," observed Howard.

"Does he got two different colored eyes?" Vince asked, slightly lifting his head for a lazy look.

"He does," Howard said with a smile, "You can't see colors but one is light and one is dark."

"Genius," was all Vince had to say before passing out.

"All right, Naboo, you and Bollo had better get this machine back to the hospital. I reckon they'll notice it missing."

xxx

Vince's eyes were welling with tears but he wouldn't answer the question until Howard handed him a piece of paper and a biro.

_I hat bein preggers and bein all fat an boren. I kant say it cuz the baby can here an it aint his fault Im like this._

Howard shook his head as he read the note, "Vince, you're not fat and you're not boring... Please don't cry, Vince."

Vince clutched his stomach where little Ziggy was no doubt throwing a fit because of all the negative energy coming from his host. He was now formed enough to be judgmental and diva-like. It would be another month before the baby developed a capacity for empathy. It was known as the "Bitchy" trimester.

Howard stroked Vince's lifeless hair and whispered, "You're beautiful."

When Vince pulled away, Howard said it again, a little louder.

It was less of a kiss than an awkward mashing of faces but they spent the night together in Vince's bed with Howard tightly spooned behind his partner, whispering terms of endearment all night long.

xxx

The next day, Vince died his hair before Howard woke up. Vince had been revived by compliments. Naboo said it made sense as the Martian was leeching Vince's self-esteem and charm. Saboo added that Vince was a vain simpleton who had always lived on compliments. When Bollo had to come between Saboo and Howard (who were slap fighting like school girls), Naboo made an astute statement.

"Howard, you're in love with Vince."

Howard remained silent, a sure sign that he was in shock.

"Have the two of you been having regular sex during his pregnancy?" Saboo asked, trying to regain his dignity. Howard had stepped on his hat and it looked a right mess.

"What? No. We don't... That is to say we haven't... I've never..." Howard stammered as he turned every shade of red in Vince's closet.

"You and Vince aren't bummin'?" asked Naboo with shock.

"Of course not!" Howard cried, "We're just good friends but lately I've been looking at him differently..."

"Hang on. The two of you have been sharing that room for two years and you ain't bummin? There's two rooms up there, why are you berks sharing a room if you're not..."

"You only offered us the one room," blustered Howard, "you said, 'you berks can kip in there' and had Bollo throw our suitcases in the room. We thought the other room was a magical cupboard or a door to a secret dimension..."

"No, it's just the spare room."

"Why did you just say I was in love with Vince if you thought we were..." Howard trailed off awkwardly.

"I thought you were bummin'. I didn't think you were in love. That it disgusting," Naboo observed before taking a long hit from his hookah, "But it's kind of sweet, too."

xxx

The day Vince gave birth, three identical Ziggy Stardusts arrived. Howard fought the urge to ask each one for an autograph. He had to keep reminding himself that they weren't the stars of _Labyrinth_, they were actual aliens.

Vince squeezed Howard's hand as the Ziggys pressed what looked like a Hoover to Vince's belly. In a matter of minutes, they were all looking at an 18-inch tall, naked Ziggy Stardust. Vince had already sewn him a little mirrorball jumpsuit and Howard helped the tiny man get dressed.

The Ziggys pleaded with Vince to come to Mars and rule over them as their king but he demurred saying, "I kind of wanna see where this thing is going with Howard now that I got some energy. I really want to give him a proper shag. Make his eyes roll back in his head and his toes curl..."

Vince trailed off in concern as Howard fainted. The Ziggys scattered in fear of having their hair crushed by the falling Northerner, leaving Howard to crash to the ground like a tree. One Ziggy pointed out Howard's eyes had rolled back in his head and his toes had curled before he collapsed so maybe Vince could rethink ruling Mars.

Again, Vince demurred. After the Martians left, promising to follow him on Twitter, Vince lay down on the floor next to Howard. When Howard awoke and explained he hadn't fainted, rather he was doing a new form of extreme yoga, Vince didn't argue. He just snuggled into Howard's arms. Howard had taken care of him for seven months and deserved a little coddling. If Howard had a concussion, he'd need to stay awake. That was the only thing Vince remembered from First Aid training at the zoo.

Not that he'd had any intention of letting Howard sleep that night, anyway.


End file.
